On Hazards of Writing

In your career as a writer, you will some days be so immersed in your work that you will need to go to places you don’t usually go to for sustenance. This is a grave mistake. Avoid it, because if you do go to those places (I’m talking about HEB, McDonald’s, Wal-Mart) you will meet the following fates:

The lighting at such places is borrowed from Hades. You are a sensitive, pathetic person, and lighting affects you immensely. When you were little, your mother would invade your room in the mornings and turn on the lamps, and you’d screech with sadness, because lights on during the day depress the shit out of you, along with about three dozen million other little things. Like…


You will be reminded of some ex of yours you went to the place with. You will remember how they said stupid things and did stupid things and had stupid features you never liked. Why did you ever date this person? Why did it take you all those weeks to figure out they annoyed the shit out of you and made you miserable? Now you are angry with yourself. Just then…


You will inevitably bump into someone you slept with 2 or more years ago. Now, you’ve been immersed in your work, so, you look like dog excrement. You may even have a little dog excrement on your shoes somewhere. Your shirt is all wrinkled and covered in some indistinct substance, and your hair has old cigarette ashes in it, and your teeth look even yellower under the harsh lighting. You’re wearing the same shoes you sported when you were seeing/sleeping with this person, they’re distinct shoes, and the person will notice this, along with everything else that’s gross about your appearance. Worse, they’ll ask you what you’re doing with yourself, and you’ll have to say you’re writing, and when they ask what happened with the last novel, you have to tell the truth.

So, dear friend, I hope I have convinced you not to go to gross places while you work. Stay home and purchase as many things as you can online. Your psyche will thank you.

3 thoughts on “On Hazards of Writing

  1. Also, you can call your friends and ask them to bring you sustenance. If you need fries late at night, just holla.

  2. You are really a good writer. I heard of you through Audrey (the one who likes to jump into shallow rivers). I don’t know if I ever met you but if I did I probably said something stupid like, “I’m a nazi” or “I like Fox news” or something equally cretinous. Anyway, just wanted to compliment you.

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