Last night, I went to a party, my second in 24 hours, and was met by a cute drunken man sitting on the front stoop. What follows is a “transcript” of what ensued.
HE: Hel-lo! What’s your name? Strawberries! Stawberry dress with strawberry shoes. You look yummy.
HE: Hi, I’m Robert.
ME: O.K. I’m going inside now.
HE: First can I wear your cherry earrings? Just hang one in my ear.
I take my earring off and loop it into his ear lobe.
HE: You’re cute.
ME: Thanks. Can I have my earring back?
HE: Not yet. Guess what my last name is?
ME: I have no idea.
HE: It’s Fagg. F-A-G-G. Fagg. I was in the Marines briefly, and they called me seaman fag.
ME: Can I have my earring back?
HE: You don’t believe me. Here.
He takes out his wallet and produces three forms of I.D. His real name is Richard A. Fagg. His license says so, his social security card says so and his…Screen Actors’ Guild card says so.
ME: You’re an actor?
HE: I try. Right now I work in security for the WB. I’m in town for the weekend.
ME: What shows do you do security for?
HE: Mostly Gilmore Girls.
ME: Shut up!
I sit down and light a cigarette.
ME: What’s Lauren Graham like? Spill it!
HE: She’s not nice. She’s always on her cell phone. And her and Scott hate each other.
ME: I knew it.
HE: Yeah. But seriously, do you know how hard it is to be called Dick A. Fagg?
ME: You poor thing.
HE: Do you want your earring back?
ME: Sure. But first tell me about Alexis Bledel.